My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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