I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
