Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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