She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
