Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
