A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
