guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
