believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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