Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
