I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
