I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
