I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.