are you so shy because you have an std?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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