Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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