Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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