My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
