Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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