I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
