phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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