new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
