Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
