You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
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So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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