There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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