i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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