I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
