Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
