Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
