Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
