pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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