What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
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i came on her dog
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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