You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
