I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
