I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
