Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
