guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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