I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
