so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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