Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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