i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
