just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
