I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
