if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
