hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
