if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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