when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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