***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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