i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
