Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
