I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
