I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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