That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
