I have demons in me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
