I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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