I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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