Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
