just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He has the fingertips of a God
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