There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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