I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Randomize
