I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
