Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
